Sweet Smiles, Evil Intentions
Rina (not her real name) still remembers the first time she met Arya at a cafe in Kemang, South Jakarta. He was polite. Always smiled. He always paid for dinner. But after three months of being close, Rina started to feel strange: Arya often disappeared without a word, then reappeared with the excuse of being busy with work. He also often borrowed money for 'business capital' that never became clear. Rina wondered in her heart: is this love — or just exploitation?
In Indonesia, this phenomenon is not new. A 2025 survey by the Directorate General of Women and Children Protection (PPPA) recorded: 68% of women have experienced emotional abuse in relationships — including psychological exploitation. The number has increased by 12% from five years ago.
First: He Keeps Taking, Never Giving Back
In a healthy relationship, there is mutual exchange. A man who exploits does not. He asks for treats. Borrows a motorbike. Asks for help — all under the guise of 'loyalty.' Clinical psychologist from the University of Indonesia, Dr. Maya Sari, explains: 'If he always benefits, and you always give in, it's a warning sign. True love is never one-sided.'
For example, Dewi in Surabaya lost Rp15 million in a year — all for a man who claimed to be an entrepreneur. In reality, the money was spent on lavish parties. Cases like this are rarely reported. Not because there is no evidence — but because of shame, or fear of judgment.
Second: Love Without a Name, But Full of Demands
Exploitative men avoid labels. They appear when needed. Disappear once they're done. 'They use ambiguity as a control tool,' says Dr. Maya. 'You keep hoping. He can do whatever he wants.'
Sari, a student in Bandung, was close to a man for two years — but was never acknowledged as his girlfriend. 'He said he didn't want to be tied down, but asked for full attention. I realized it when he asked me to help pay my school fee,' she said. Now Sari is active in an anti-emotional abuse volunteer community.
Patriarchal Culture That Hides the Danger
Phrases like 'guys must chase' or 'don't demand too much' often serve as a shield for serious men. 'Women are taught to be patient and give in — but that is exactly what is exploited,' adds Dr. Maya.
But awareness is growing. Red flag content is popular on TikTok and Instagram. Communities such as 'Empowered Women' and 'Fight Manipulation' regularly hold webinars. The book *Why Does He Do That?* is popular in bookstores — not as entertainment reading, but as a guide to survive.
Six Other Signs You Can't Ignore
In addition to the two signs above, be wary of: (3) constant criticism, (4) possessiveness and blind jealousy, (5) cutting off communication as punishment, (6) ignoring your achievements, (7) always blaming you, and (8) refusing to compromise. If four or more appear — don't hesitate: this is not a relationship, but a control pattern.
Data from the National Commission on Violence Against Women shows: 89% of dating violence cases start with emotional manipulation. 'Before physical violence, there is psychological pressure. That is what needs to be prevented,' said Komnas Perempuan Commissioner, Maria Ulfah Anshor.
Time to Act — Not Just Awareness
Recognizing the signs is the first step. The next step: be firm. Dr. Maya suggests setting clear boundaries. 'If he doesn't respect you — leave. True love doesn't make you feel used up.'
In Yogyakarta, the support group 'Sahabat Perempuan' provides free counseling and legal assistance. Tika, one of its members, admits she used to feel worthless. Now she knows: she deserves happiness — without having to pay the price of love by losing herself.
A Honest Ending, Not a Sweet One
Rina's case came to light: Arya actually had a girlfriend in another city. Rina is now more selective. She shares her experience on Instagram — and receives thousands of comments from women with similar stories. From there, she realized: what she went through was not love. It was exploitation.
Relationships should strengthen each other — not drain. Like a modern saying that is beginning to echo in campuses, cafes, and online conversations: *Don't be afraid of losing someone who isn't afraid of losing you.*
Real Help, Not Just Advice
If you or your friend experience something similar, help is available. The Women and Children Violence Reporting Service (Kemen PPPA) can be contacted via phone 129, or WhatsApp 08111-129-129. Or contact Yayasan Pulih at (021) 7884-2287. Don't let yourself be consumed by illusions — help is real, and it's your right to ask for it.